Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
