Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
