I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
