he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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