Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
