Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
