Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize