Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
