i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
