i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
