Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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