I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
