last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
