Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
