Where is the hickey?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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