i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
