I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize