just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
