I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
