I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
