Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize