maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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