plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
