I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
