I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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