i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
