if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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