Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
