My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
