OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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