He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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