are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
