Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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