Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's get the cat blown out
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
