There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
