This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
