Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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