Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
