You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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