Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just high enough for therapy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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