Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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