Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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