i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
