Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
