I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
