That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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