My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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