Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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