We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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