at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
