We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
