last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
