You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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