Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have feelings that need drinking.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
