Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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