My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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