just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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