My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
