my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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