20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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