$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
