Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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