Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
