Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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