I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
