plz talk dirty to me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
