Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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