What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
