So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
